Hello from Dhaka.

Since I opened this account, this is probably my only entry written from Bangladesh. I remember opening the account 8 years ago, from the computer lab in high school in Thailand, song-of-the-week-repeat-until-sick-of-it was My Sundown (Jimmy Eat World) and somehow I thought they were singing my Shutdown, thus the name. A few weeks after   that we had a school break and we (older brother) went to China (Guangzhou) for the very first time. My mom and some Chinese lady picked us up from the airport; mom was already speaking Chinese, that was kinda cool. Rest of the holiday was pretty uneventful, did not do much sightseeing but it was good to be with family. We had a small apartment in Chen Jia Ci, park, malls, and basketball courts near by. By that time we had already lived in Thailand for 2 years, somehow did not feel that much different.

Anyway, break ended and we went back to school. Final 2 years of high school, filled with cram-sessions, teen-drama, almost getting kicked out of school, hooking-up and breaking-up, you know the usual stuff kids do. I graduated in May '05 and moved to China in June and almost immediately realized that I hated the place. I hated that I missed my friends, the places I knew, and the gf promised I'd never leave. It felt like having to start over from scratch again. I felt miserable and wanted to get out as fast as I could.

So, I formed a plan. The plan was to study my ass off for a 2 year diploma in graphic design and finish off the 3rd year somewhere else, preferably Australia.  Why Australia? The above-mentioned 'gf' would be somewhere there.. and yeah I wasn't thinking so clearly.. I was 17. BUT, I did study my ass off – Class to Home to DeviantArt was my daily schedule, I used to rush home after class to get online – even worse – I used to rush home drunk, so that I could get online and have drunk chats on dAmn. Yeah, you could say my social life was pretty shitty, since it didn't really exist, but it was alright, I was getting good grades, in love with art & design, early-morning or late-night street photography, had a tonne of friends online. In fact, dA is part of the reason I didn't learn any Mandarin.. I worked so hard that I finished the 2 year course in less than a year and half – found myself an internship before classes even finished and just started working.

I had my first job interview on my 19th birthday, even though the interviewee didn't notice from my CV, AND it was a shitty job, I stayed there for 5 months, retouching crappy photos of crappy handbags, day after day. There were days that I would wake up early, just so I could sit on bed and think about not going to work, somehow that helped. Nevertheless working was fun, I was freelancing on random projects at night, started working on a children's book with an old classmate and a teacher, I had my own bank account, money, a little more freedom. 5 months later, I quit, with enough money saved for a laptop - it was 2007, those things were still kinda expensive, and I wanted a top-notch one. The plan then was to do my 3rd year in Shanghai – I was actually excited, new city, new people, could start over with a more positive outlook. I had 2 months to finish off work on that book and move to Shanghai. It was then when I received a call from a little footwear design company. I was sort of reluctant to go to the interview, but didn't really have much to do that day, plus I just had my portfolio re-printed and ready to be shown off. I'm glad I did. I met one of the most inspiring designer / creative director / person in my life that day. Seriously, this guy was one of those people who beamed energy. I've met 2 other people like him in my life, and if I could get them all in one room... freaking worlds would collide. Needless to say, I accepted the job, decided to work/study part time and finish off my bachelors in Guangzhou. That, I think, was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. It was kind of surreal, I was 21, from Bangladesh, living in China, working for a British designer, my best friend was a gay Chinese artist/designer, handling projects from companies like Diesel, Ellese, DKNY, Terra Plana, Lecaf with a small but amazing design team, and I loved it.

Life was good, except still nothing in the dating department – until a friend from the college came back to visit Guangzhou. We were close friends in uni, top students in class, always did projects together, she was a wonderful artist who decided to do product design and got accepted in St. Martins. During the two years I knew her in China, she was a really close friend, I sort of had feelings for her, but nothing really happened. She came back to visit after a year, and somehow things happened. Thought it was short-lived, she had to go back to London in 2 weeks, we made plans to see each other again a few months later – but yeah, that didn't work out.

A year after that I quit from the footwear company, they ran into some financial trouble and at the same time I wanted to get involved in something new. I started working part-time for an environmental consulting company. From footwear / sports graphics to corporate branding. At the same time, my freelancing took off again. I met Zain Mehdee, a Pakistani-born-US-lived-internationalized-'global citizen'.. like me. He had this idea of a group called the Enderground – a multimedia cross-cultured collective that provides a broad range of creative services in Art / Design / Music and Photography. Together along with other artists/djs/photographers we ran a multitude of projects, working on our own times, choosing our own clients, it was a pretty incredible experience. Meanwhile, I was in a relationship with a local Cantonese girl, she was a couple of years older than me. It was nice, stable, schedule'd, but boring towards the end. During the two years that we were together, I think we got too comfortable, both knew that there was no solid future to us, but both afraid to bring up the topic.

Until, I went to Harbin for the 2nd time in early 2011, right during the winter festival. Everyone, EVERYONE should visit Harbin at least once in his or her lifetime during the winter season. White snow, glowing LED-lit ice blocks in every corner of the city. They built ice sculptures, with color changing lights drilled in, like freaking 4-5 storeys ice castles. Seriously, the Chinese are crazy. Anyway, there I was trying to enjoy snow for the very first time, and a random Korean/American girl comes up to me on the street, pointing at me with a plastic water bottle and asking if I'm a foreigner. Turns out she was a tourist, first time in China, visiting the winter festival in Harbin. She was there for a week like me, and we decided to hang out together. I don't know if it was the cold, the snow, or the fact that we were two random strangers in a completely new, beautifully lit up city, but things clicked. At the end of the week, I realized I had more fun with this stranger then I did with my gf of two years.

Right after Harbin, in February, I came back to Bangladesh for the first time since 2003. Crazy, culture shock. I had lost all my contacts with friends, except one. I spent the time mostly at home or visiting family. I was almost afraid to go out alone, it took some time to be able to read Bengali again (forget writing..), even speaking in Bengali with anyone else except parents and brother felt strange.

After I returned to Guangzhou, I finally decided it was time and ended it with my gf at the same time I decided that 2001 would be my last year in China, it was time to go somewhere else. Although work-wise I was in a good position in a bigger design/production company. We did graphics/web/multimedia design projects along with merchandising, and well.. sourcing/selling adult toys and lingerie.. yeah it was a fun job.

A few months passed, I was living a happily single life, working hard, partying, making friends, drunk/random hook ups, things were good. I was looking for jobs slowly outside China, and generally preparing for leaving finally. And that's when I met Laila. I kind of knew her name and what she looked like from an online social site, but the first time I met her, I got her name wrong – ended up calling her Natalie. But, I was slightly drunk and well.. over-confident, so I walked up to her in a bar and went 'I know you!' She was standing with an older middle-eastern guy, who I thought later that maaaaaybe they were on a date. So anyway, I called her Natalie, she had this cheeky look on her face and said 'No that's not it, but keep trying' – unfortunately I had a total brain-fart, couldn't of think of any other names – she finally told me her name but by that time it was just too awkward, sooo I wished her a good night and left. Fast forward a month later, me slightly drunk again on the dance floor of a new club, suddenly I see her there talking to some of our mutual friends. Maybe it was the alcohol in my blood, but I went in straight away, typed 'Do you want to go out for dinner sometime when I'm not that drunk?' on my phone and passed it to her, she said yes and typed in her phone number.

Mission accomplished. But, yet I don't know what I was thinking, I knew it was going to be my last year in China, I knew I wasn't supposed to get into anything other than random hook-ups, but this girl was different. She was a medical student from Kazakhstan living in Guangzhou. We ended up talking all night, and I mean all night, sitting on a sofa by the river next to a club called Suns and trying to catch a glimpse of the sunrise.. for some reason we couldn't find the Sun. We kept talking till 7 in the morning, about our favorite things, about our families, about our lives in China, making each other listen to our favorite songs on our iPods. We decided to go for breakfast and breakfast beer, though I had to go to work in a few hours. One of the best Friday nights/Saturday mornings I ever had.

That night, we decided to meet again in an Irish bar. They were having a concert of 8 or so bands 'Battle of the Bands', it was packed so tight, you could hardly move. We saw each other for an hour, talked outside, that's when I found out she was dating someone – for almost 2 years. Yet, I was confused, she just stayed up all night with me. And again, I don't know if it was the alcohol, but I told her straight away that I liked her and wanted to be more than friends, at least wanted the possibility of being more than friends. She said let's see.

Sunday night, again we met for an afternoon beer.
Monday night, hot pot dinner.
Tuesday night, German dinner, back to the club Suns, back to the sofa by the river, and finally a kiss. Ecstatic.  Beer and breakfast, and then home. She slept while I went to work, came back home for lunch, then got her a taxi home.
Wednesday night. Date night. I already had it planned out – Dinner at a Tibetan restaurant (one of her favourite places) then drinks at the gay club around the corner. Tonight's date beat Tuesday's date by miles. I don't remember exactly when, but I promised to bring her to a gay club on our date, and it was awesome. We ended up back in my place, and well.. everything went better than expected.

The next month was amazing. We saw each other almost every single day, stay in her place for the entire weekend and not get bored even without the internet. Since she lived an hour away by subway, I even started reading on the train.

It felt amazing; it felt like we had been together for years and it felt just right. Until August, she left for school break and I had to come back to Bangladesh since my visa expired. Culture shock yet again, at the same time I missed her incredibly.

I didn't know how long it'd take to get visa again for China or HK, I was kind of in a special situation, so I couldn't promise her when I'd be back. We tried doing long-distance for 5 months. But the lack of a social life, me knowing only a handful of people here, drove me crazy. She said she wanted to stop, and I don't blame her. I said some pretty mean and stupid things; we had many arguments on Skype. Fighting on Skype then getting back together, it just sucked. I felt I worked way too hard, to be in this situation, to have to leave my job, my apartment, my freedom and my love. The frustration of being stuck here, in this completely unfamiliar place, it just got to me.

It's been 6 months since I saw her last, and I miss her. I miss seeing her everyday after work. I miss her food, I miss our conversations, I miss our comfortable silences, I miss her love, I miss being there for her, I miss it all.

It's now been the longest that I've stayed in Bangladesh in 11 years. And I still don't know how to adjust. I find it hard to connect to anyone here. I find it hard to talk to people, yet I know I'm easy to talk to, I'd go to bars alone and leave in the morning with a bunch of newly-made best friends. I'm trying to connect yet, I feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. The last 6 months have been a lousy, frustrating never-ending fight to get back to the life I had. Every visa deadline has been a disappointment, some days I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, feel there's no point to even getting out of bed. I feel un-inspired and demotivated. I don't know what I'm doing.